Sex in Marriage Through the Years*
As Valentine’s Day approaches many couples are thinking about their marriage connection and also about romance. One of the most important aspects of sexual intimacy is the emotional bond which the couple shares. When we first fall in love our brains are literally flooded with neurochemicals which drive us to “hyperattach” to our beloved.
Bonding comes easily in the throes of this cocktail, and emotions soar high. In time the neurochemicals subside, and we enter into the maturing phases of love. Highs and lows will follow for couples who have been married for any length of time. In the course of doing life we to get know our spouses in more real and honest ways.
In no way does this diminish the value of our love. It deepens the value when two loves commit to one another through all of the ebb and flow. God provides other chemicals for long term love, like oxytocin and vasopressin, which are slow simmer instead of the rapid fire bursts we felt during our early infatuation. These don’t wear off or fizzle out. They help us cultivate feelings of loyalty, affection, trust, and enduring attraction for our mate.
As our lives move forward, we cannot fully replicate the early stages of love. Instead, we have the opportunity to grow our sexual and emotional connection into something steadfast and truly beautiful.
A mature perspective on sex bears with it the recognition that our sex life will go through changes as we age. Sex is about an intimate physical, emotional, and spiritual connection. It’s not about performance or appearance. As we age, we don’t look as hot as we once did. Our performance and responsiveness vary and also decline as we age.
Over the years our skin loses some of its firmness, which leads to wrinkles and sagging parts. As we age, men’s testosterone decreases by 1 percent each year after the age of 25. Women’s bodies undergo hormonal changes as well, associated with their peak seasons of reproduction and as those seasons draw to a close in menopause. These hormonal changes have huge effects on our sex drive, interest, and sexual responsiveness.
I have been blessed to witness many examples of mature love in my life. In this moment, I am remembering the story of a fellow whom we’ll call “Skip.” Skip was sort of my idealized older self when I was a teenager. He was a handsome man with a charismatic grin and a full, well-traveled life. Skip was married to “Emily” who was lovely, artsy, and very elegant all at the same time.
I was housesitting for this traveling couple to make extra income a couple decades ago in my Virginia hometown. One evening I got back to their home from classes later than usual. Their Persian kitty greeted me at the door with hungry and thirsty cries.
After opening up some gourmet cat food, I walked over to the kitchen sink to fill the cat’s water dish. I saw a very intriguing card sitting in the kitchen window, and I confess that I peered inside.
It was a card that Skip had written to Emily on the heels of a very painful season in their lives. Emily had a mastectomy in her victorious battle against breast cancer. Skip had carefully selected a romance card to give to his wife. His words go a long way toward healing and soothing any shame or fear that Emily might have had about the loss of her figure due to the mastectomy. His words in the card embraced all of who she is:
Emily,
You light my fire. You always have and you always will.
You are still the most beautiful and sexy woman in the world to me.
Love, Skip
The beauty of this love moves me and inspires me. I am mindful of one key element of Skip and Emily’s love life that overarches all the other really cool pieces of their lifelong romance. That one word is gratitude.
Gratitude
Gratitude is the greatest gift for a healthy sex life at any age. Embracing gratitude at the end of the day is one of the most important parts of an emotionally connected sex life. Cultivate gratitude for your spouse, along with your spouse’s body and physical touching of you, as ways to enhance your connection in the bedroom.
Comparing and contrasting can come across as critical. Envying others or being jealous of what they have in the bedroom just pulls you away from embracing all that you do have. Coveting only keeps you from fully engaging with the wonderful gift of a lover whom God has given to you. Criticizing your own body or performance just shames you and shuts you down.
You can quickly see how gratitude brings acceptance and appreciation for the gift of your body and that of your spouse. When I appreciate the gift of the person God has entrusted me with, it enriches every aspect of our relationship together. Our emotional, sexual, and spiritual connection are strengthened when I see my spouse as a gift for me to cherish.
Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow (James 1:17).
When I see my spouse as God’s gift to me personally, it is a humbling experience and I am in reverence for His goodness to me. When I consider that God gave me the gift of sex to enjoy and share with my spouse for many years, I am in awe. I can be thankful for my body, which is fearfully and wonderfully made. I can offer this gift back to my Creator and share this with my spouse.
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love (Proverbs 5:18–19).
With gratitude in my heart I can appreciate my spouse’s body for all the wonder and joy that it brings to both of us. Whether you are a husband appreciating your wife’s form, or a wife appreciating your husband’s features, both can revel in God’s goodness to give us these gifts for this present moment and across our lifetime together.
*Includes a Book Excerpt from:
Face to Face: Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage (2015). Westbow Press, Bloomington, IN, by Dr. Jesse Gill