The Gift of Listening in Marriage

Have you ever been in the presence of a really good listener? I mean someone who seems to gently see past your facades and helps you actually understand yourself better. A good listener makes eye contact and lets you have lengthy chances to talk without interrupting you. She shows you with her posture and her nonverbal signals that she’s feeling what you’re saying. He steadily lets you know that he cares by remaining devoted to the goal of knowing you and knowing you deeply.

When a good listener doesn’t understand something, she asks another question. When a good listener gets it wrong in attempting to know you, he owns it saying, “I got that wrong. Can you help me to better understand?”

Our time and attention are the greatest gifts we can give to others. As finite human beings, that time spent is something that we can never get back or get a refund on. When someone tunes in to us, it makes us feel worthwhile and important. It makes us feel cared for, known, and somehow more whole.

Tune in Often

When you think about it, really good listeners are not with you every minute of every day. They are in your life for chunks of time, and maybe only a few times a month. But those periods of time are very attractive, very restorative, and deeply fulfilling. We internalize those experiences and hold a sense of being valued and secure, even when we are apart from those people. Though we may be far away from them, we are not separated emotionally.

My Gramma had a wonderful habit of telling me, “Jesse, I hold you in my heart.” This made me feel very special as a boy and as a man. It still does, even today.

Attachment theory is a theory that describes the tangible experience of love between humans. Children who receive the tender gaze, physical affection, and consistent emotional responsiveness from a parent will develop Secure Attachment. This provides these children with a settled confidence that bolsters them for whatever life may bring. Much of this comes from their experience of caregivers being sensitive and consistently responsive to their emotional needs.

Daniel Stern was one of the leading child developmental theorists of the late 20th century. Stern refers to the “attunement” of the caregiver, where the parent is sensitive to the verbal and nonverbal cues of the child. An attuned parent responds appropriately and is able to put him or herself into the mind of the child. This doesn’t mean that secure parents are 100 percent attuned. Just the opposite, the most secure parents are only about 30 percent attuned.

Wow! Isn’t that astonishing? The best and most highly tuned in parents are only attuned about 30 percent of the time!

But even though they are only accurately tuned in about a third of the time, it is enough to build a secure and steady bond between the parent and child. It is enough for the child to internalize a sense of being special. It is sufficient to help the child feel safe and secure emotionally.

Consistent Does Not Mean Perfect

If you are like me, this is tremendously reassuring. Highly attuned parents are not tuned in all the time. There are many moments when they are doing their own thing and can’t get a read on their children. There are even some moments when they failed to notice what the child needed. Highly attuned parents don’t get it right all the time. But they are consistently in the game.

However, when they get it wrong they also know how to repair misattunements. They know how to apologize to their children and get down into their level again, to have another try at tuning in to their children’s signals and needs. Highly attuned parents take the job of repair seriously. They don’t want to leave their child feeling abandoned or rejected for any length of time. The relationship is so important to them. So it would not feel right to them to leave things on unsteady ground.

This faithful commitment to the process of repairing any broken places provides security during childhood and also later in adult marriage relationships. These consistent acts of attention and care are great gifts from us imperfect human beings. There is only One who is perfect, always steadfast, and always true:

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Hebrews 13:8).

We take great comfort in that promise, and we are strengthened by the bedrock of hope that it brings.

For those of us working daily in our marriages to build a secure face-to-face connection, it is important to know that we don’t have to always get it right. It is more important to focus on being consistent with our emotional and physical presence. That is good; that is enough.

As a finite spouse, who only has a limited amount of time and attention in this lifetime, it is a tremendous gift when we listen and tune in. We are giving of the very best that we have to offer when we are good listeners, tuning in closely in order to know our beloved’s heart and mind. It is a great gift that makes our loved one feel special, valued, treasured, and secure.

References:

Daniel Stern, The Interpersonal World of the Infant: A View from Psychoanalysis and Developmental Psychology (New York: Basic Books, 1985).

Jesse Gill, Face to Face: Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage (Bloomington, IN: Westbow Press, 2015).