The Pain and Comfort of Emotional Intimacy

Can you remember a moment where you felt deeply connected to your spouse? Was it a moment of intimate happiness? Were you experiencing something brand new together? Perhaps it came during a moment of profound pain and sorrow, yet your spouse was standing right by your side.

In my own life, the deepest connections come in those moments where I am dealing with something painful or overwhelming and my beloved stands right there with me. She has a way of holding me with her words and in her arms during those times. This lets me know that I am accepted. I belong, and I am not alone.

There’s a reason why these experiences register so profoundly in our minds. It’s because everything inside of us is wired for connection with another human being. You were not created to go through this life alone. The most painful thing that you can experience is to walk through hardship without being able to reach anyone for support. It is traumatizing to be separated from loved ones in your moments of great need.

On the other hand, it permanently imprints a sense of safety in your mind when you reach out for your beloved and find comfort during your moment of distress. This is what Attachment is all about. Attachment is the bonding process that God designed for all human relationships, and it provides the basis for emotional intimacy in our hearts and minds.

I attended a workshop recently where I learned more amazing things about Attachment and the human brain. Children who receive the tender gaze, affectionate touch, and consistent emotional responsiveness from their parents will develop a settled confidence that bolsters them throughout their lives. We call this Secure Attachment.

These children know that they are not alone, and so their anxious minds are less activated by fears of abandonment. Secure children have a deep sense of belonging, because someone took the time to cherish them and show them importance. In moments of need, these children learned that they could turn to others for comfort and safety. As a result, they are confidently vulnerable in sharing their pain with trusted others.

This security carries on into adulthood, and it opens the door for emotional intimacy in marriage. Emotional intimacy has many important facets. It includes that “deep sense of belonging” I just mentioned. When I teach marriage workshops, I will frequently get to a part of the class where I have spouses look fondly and playfully at one another and say, “You are my person.” It’s playful and fun, but it is also very powerful.

“We belong to one another. We are one.”

This sense is a foundational part of what it means to be intimate with your spouse. For some of us, this is a comforting and reassuring thought. For others this is terrifying, especially if we have past experiences of putting our trust in others, only to be abandoned or betrayed by them.

Brain science has shown us in the past decade that the human brain can still grow and change in a positive direction in our adult years. Scientists call this “neuroplasticity,” and it is really good news for everyone who wants to grow in their capacity for emotional intimacy.

Our brain is literally prewired for attachment experiences, so all the essential components are there from the moment of our birth. But, you must receive the tender gaze, physical affection, and consistent tuning in from a parent or caregiver to make all the brain structures develop properly. When all this comes together you will develop that settled confidence in being vulnerable which we call Secure Attachment.

Secure Attachment is the foundation of emotional intimacy. It is the ability to reach for others when we are going through pain and then receive comfort. Secure Attachment also provides you with the empathy needed to be present to the pain of others. Mutual sharing of pain and comfort is at the heart of this intimacy. It is also in the heart of God the Father, who is called the:

Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

— 2 Corinthians 1:3b, 4

Some of us have rarely experienced these healing moments of being comforted in the midst of our pain. We may have an Insecure Attachment style which colors our view of intimacy in relationships with humans and with God. Fortunately, this is not the end of story. Our hearts and minds can be made whole through the steps we take right here and now.

It it is a step of faith to risk sharing our inner world with another person, especially if we have had bad experiences with this in the past. We may need to search carefully to find a trusted friend, clergy member, or even therapist to help us get started on this journey. As the journey unfolds we open ourselves to new possibilities. At the Attachment conference I attended recently, I learned an inspiring definition of emotional intimacy.

“Intimacy is the experience of being able to simultaneously talk about your pain, fear, or shame, while being held in the heart and mind of another.” (Dr. Julie Rosenzweig, 2017)

When we have these two simultaneous experiences, being so vulnerable in pain and being embraced, it literally reprograms our brains and brings healing to past experiences of betrayal or trust violations. It teaches us to believe again in the possibility of belonging to others and awakens the hope that we will no longer have to walk through life alone. Instead, we too may enjoy the comfort and strength of Attachment moments.

There are many things in life which we cannot change. We cannot change our age, our essential appearance, or our past experiences. But we can create new experiences which shape our Attachment style into something that is more Secure and fulfilling, not only for ourselves but also for the ones who count on us to be emotionally present to their pain.

If these words resonate with you, I strongly encourage you to take steps today to connect more closely with a person whom you trust. If you are married, begin the deepening journey of intimacy with your beloved. Your present moments can be dramatically different than your past, and you can co-create the type of loving relationship that you have always longed for.

References:

Gill, J. (2015). Face to Face: Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage. Westbow Press, Bloomington, IN.

Rosenzweig, J. (2017). Advanced Practical Skills for the Trauma Informed Therapist. Workshop by PESI, King of Prussia, PA. February 8, 2017