“You’re My Person!” Bringing Attachment Significance Into Your Marriage Communication
Even during conflict, you can have vulnerable connection with your spouse!
How much does your tone of voice convey when you speak to your spouse?
What does your body signal to your spouse while you are speaking?
Do your eyes tell a story all their own as you gaze upon your spouse?
Communication experts have told us, “It’s not about what you say; It’s the way you say it!” Although there is some controversy about the exact percentage of communication which is conveyed nonverbally (1), experts agree that the largest part of communication is carried out through nonverbal channels (2).
Of course, this makes sense in our daily experience. The slightest difference in tone of speech can transform a question into an accusation!
“Honey, did you move my water bottle?”
vs.
“Honey, did you move my water bottle?”
The significance of tone is crucial for us as adults, but it’s even more important in childhood. The power of nonverbal communication is clearly evident in our earliest weeks of development. Infants are completely dependent on their caregivers for survival, and yet they lack verbal language to signal their needs. They and their parents rely entirely on reciprocal nonverbal signals to communicate life-sustaining information about the emotional and physical need states of the child.
These facial expressions, tender touch, and nonverbal emotional signals tell the story of needs, and they also tell the story of love. For it is in the sharing of these signals that the attachment bond is formed between the parent and child. This bond is co-created between the infant and parent. Together they create a strong bond or a weak bond, depending on the level of emotional and physical responsiveness in the parent (3).
Attachment is the tangible experience of love, knowing that we are loved even without words. The best kind of attachment, Secure Attachment, reassures children that they are not alone and that they can depend upon their parents to nurture all their steps towards growth (4).
Healthy childhood brain development relies upon the attachment bonding process between the infant and caregiver. Both the left and right hemispheres of the brain get wired within the context of this attachment bonding. The left brain, which is more verbal and logical, gains its factual content through the literal words that are spoken by the parent during the back-and-forth interactions.
“This is the sippy cup that I got just for you…. and you can use it for a drink whenever you are thirsty.”
The right brain, which is more emotional and connected to the big picture, develops in the context of the safety and encouragement within these interactions. As the parent reassures, “I will provide for you whenever you are thirsty. You can come to me with your needs. I will also encourage you in your growing, so that you can also sip from the cup yourself. I am delighted in you.” The child’s emotional state is soothed and comforted, while the child becomes increasingly self-confident.
Vital information comes through both the verbal and nonverbal channels of communication. It happens instinctively for nurturing parents, who themselves have received the gift of Secure Attachment. They know that they are valuable, loved, and have a place of belonging in this world. These parents share this reassuring message of caring through their words and also through their nonverbal signals.
When adults choose marriage, all their attachment experiences transfer to the marital relationship and the bond they cocreate there. I enjoy teaching couples how to bring the poweof attachment into their marriage communication (5). I have highlighted three ingredients that build Secure Attachment which I call “Face to Face T. V.”:
Face to Face –gaze into the eyes of your loved ones as you speak, letting them know that you see them. They are precious to you.
Touch— tenderly touch the ones you love. Welcomed touch will soothe the nervous system, while simultaneously creating a sense of belonging.
Vulnerable Sharing of Emotions---with words and soothing nonverbal signals, let your spouse know that you will take care of them in their moments of need. Let your spouse know that you need them too.
“Face to Face T. V.” helps to strengthen the right brain side of your communication with your beloved. These three ingredients should be generously applied in your communication with all the people that you love. Intentionally applying them to your marital communication will help to build trust and safety in the bond with your spouse. They can also help set the stage when you need to bring up a difficult topic with your spouse.
Attachment Significance
I’d like to offer an additional tool which is particularly helpful when we are bringing up needs in conversation with our spouses. This goes relatively well for most of us when we are speaking with appreciation to our spouses about needs that they are already meeting. It’s more challenging when we need to talk to them about needs that they are not meeting or needs that were actually missed in the middle of an interaction. This tool is all about framing the attachment significance of these experiences in the bond with our spouses.
Attachment significance means that we frame the longing or the unmet need in the context of how important the relationship is to us.
“You are my person, and that is why I am looking to you for help in this area.”
“You are my person. That’s why it hurt me when this need was ignored.”
It’s all about how important our spouses are to us. We are looking to them as a person of value in our lives. We are coming to them in a way which is distinct and special, relative to any other relationship. There is an exclusive and trusted status that we afford them, and we are relying on them for care and understanding.
Rather than criticizing our spouses for failing us, we are looking to them in this moment to grow the relationship beyond what it currently is. We believe in their goodness and kindness towards us. We are taking a risk to entrust them with our hearts in this moment.
“You are my person….” is a vulnerable move. We are reaching out to them with hopeful expectation. We may have hurt or even anger about the hurt, but it all emanates from how important our spouses are to us. We don’t want there to be any distance between us and them as we build the bond together. Summoning up our courage, we place our hearts on the line as we look to them to understood and care for us.
We lean in with our heart and our right brain tools. Face to Face, we gaze upon them. We reach out to them, perhaps placing a hand on their shoulder or seeking a hug. Vulnerably, we delve into our emotions with the promise of drawing closer and building our bond.
“You are my person, and that is why I am hoping to spend more time together this weekend.”
“You are my person, and this is the reason that it hurt me when you forgot my birthday.”
“You are my person, and I want to work on our sex life together
to make it even stronger than it is today.”
“You are my person, and I want to find ways that we can be a team to manage our money together with an eye on our future years.”
Sharing the attachment significance gives us the chance to build the bond of love with our spouses. When we take a risk and find embrace in the heart of our spouse, it is an emotional experience. I believe that it is also a spiritual experience, a way that we can experience the love of God embodied in a relational context.
I see these patterns throughout the whole of Scripture. God loves us, and we have the opportunity to love others. I am reminded of ways that God spoke to His dearly loved people in the Bible. The authors frame the attachment significance of His communication with His loved ones in these passages:
Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you….. Isaiah 43: 4 (NIV)
Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.” Jeremiah 31:3 NLT
Within the framework of attachment significance, we can feel how precious we are to our spouses. We can communicate to them in ways that draws them to us instead of pushing them away. Lean in today, face-to-face, and right brain to right brain, whenever you have something important to say to your beloved. “You’re my person. That’s why this matters.”
You can learn more about attachment in marriage at www.facetofaceliving.com
References:
1. Lapakko, D. (1997). Three cheers for language: A closer examination of a widely cited study of nonverbal communication. Communication Education, 46, 63-67.
2. Hall, J.A., Horgan, T.G., & Murphy, N.A. (2019). Nonverbal Communication. Annual Review of Psychology, 70:1, 271-294.
3. Ainsworth, M.D.S. (1979). Infant-mother attachment. American Psychologist, 34, 932-937.
4. Bowlby, J. (1969) Attachment and Loss. Vol. 1 Attachment New York: Basic Books
5. Gill, J. (2015), Face to Face: Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage. Westbow Press, Bloomington, IN.