“Hey, your crazy is showing”
We were in the back section of the airplane, and the family in front of us had a child that was younger than ours. As is common, the child was fearful during the take off. The sounds are loud and unfamiliar, and your body feels that g-force pull as the roughly 396,900 kg metal plane begins to take flight.
Our daughters decided to pull out some of our finger puppets to distract and entertain the little child, who was now adding her own loud noises to those of the aircraft. We danced the little puppets around; one was a cute elephant with a tiny hat, the other a bunny with a colorful beach ball. The frightened child took one look at this playful scene we had created and told her parents “It’s scary puppets!”
My children and I looked at each other with disbelief. How could this be construed as “scary”?!
After spending some time thinking this over, I remembered that when we are afraid, it can become difficult to receive comfort. The term for this is “hypervigilant”.
The thing about being hypervigilant is that it feels very real to the person who is scared. In that moment the fearful person can’t always tell what is real now. And for this reason, it is crucial to be connected to people who see the bigger picture and care about you. You need people in your life who can help ground you when you get distorted; they see the tell-tale signs of your past stacking up all around you. You need someone you trust to lovingly say,
“Hey, your crazy is showing.”
This is the kind of caring community that we need. Sadly, hypervigilant folks often have the unintended impact of pushing others away or boxing them in. Occasionally this is appropriate. Too often, it is a false alarm. The frightened person pushes away the very people who could be healthy community for him or her.
Because fear is an emotion, it comes and goes. So when the fearful thoughts have quieted down a bit (after some sleep or exercise or even just letting 15 minutes go by) that is when community (friendships or a loving spouse) is still there. Waiting. Patiently. To remind you that you’re here now, in this moment. That whatever comes up, you’ll deal with it. No one is promising it’ll be fun or easy, but you’ll live to see another day.
You must have this sort of community to ground you when you feel afraid. As a friend of mine put it, “Get you some friends!” You’ve got to have people in your life who will be loving and honest with you. They can provide perspective to your fears. And also comfort.
To learn more about root causes of hypervigilance in relationships and what you can do to build connection, please our two “Love Quiz” blogs.
