Life Long Love: Meet the Feldman’s

Fred and DeLee Feldman on their wedding day

Meet Fred and DeLee Feldman, our featured couple this month. They are committed to each other, and I’ll bet you can learn something from their decade’s long relationship. Read on to find out!

We love so many things about Fred and DeLee's story.

We appreciate their transparency and openness about the ways that they had to create a healthy relationship of their own which is separate from the families that they grew up in.

If we have Secure Attachment in our childhood years, then there is so much from our map of relationships that we will keep in our marriage .  But if we had Insecure Attachment patterns, then we will have to import some things and revise other aspects. 

We were touched at the ways that each of them purposefully puts the other spouse first.  Fred thinks of small ways and big ways that he can prefer DeLee, from cooking for her to taking her out.  These gifts of selflessness may likely have a positive impact in DeLee's feeling cherished and upon her willingness to selflessly consider Fred's needs in the bedroom.

Four decades together, and they are the best of friends.  They work together at home, so they have a lot of time together, and they look forward to taking RV trips together. 

What a cool bond!  We are inspired by their selflessness and by the ways that they enjoy their friendship.  

How many years have you been married and how old were you when you got married?

We have been married almost 40 years.  We were both 19 when we got married. 

Fred says, “19! What were our parents thinking!  We were not even old enough to legally drink the champagne they gave us on our honeymoon!”

Where & how did the two of you meet?

We met at the McDonald's drive-thru.  DeLee was working and Fred drove thru (repeatedly).  =D 

Fred says, “I ate a lot of apple turnovers that year.  When I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out she was no longer there. Turns out her family had gone on a trip to Israel for 2 weeks.  The first time I saw her after they came home I asked her out.”

What first attracted you to one another?

Initially, we were both attracted to each other's looks.  After that I, DeLee, was attracted to him because of his kindness and his work ethic (and he was still pretty cute). 

Fred says, “Definitely physical. But it didn’t take long for me to see that she was a whole person that didn’t “need” anyone else. She wasn’t clingy.  That was more attractive than her good looks!”

We all have ideas about how marriage is supposed to be when we say our wedding vows.  What was one of the first challenges you encountered that challenged your ideas of what marriage was supposed to be?

First challenge was probably creating our OWN relationship, unique from what we both experienced in our homes growing up.  Figuring out how to lay down what we were familiar with and create something that worked well for both of us. 

Fred says, “We are talking about 4 decades ago, but I think that I would agree with DeLee on this.  Figuring out how to make our life together from our unique backgrounds was a challenge, but it was exciting!  We were grownups after all!”

What has helped you stay together?  What's your secret?

Focus on what they are doing out of love and not what they aren't doing.   Don't get offended by things that weren't intentional.  Don't joke about divorce.  It isn't funny & acting like it is just plants a seed that you don't want.

Fred says, “DeLee is my closest friend.  When unhealthy situations have arisen I think “how could I possibly do something like that to my friend”  I think about what a precious women she is and that keeps me focused more on her than myself.”

Do you pray together?  Or have other faith activities?

We try to read a devotional together each morning.  We pray together when there is a situation, but not regularly.  We probably should.

Fred says, “Agreed.  I do find myself thanking God for her on a regular basis, but more joint prayer couldn’t hurt.”

Do you date?  How do you play together?  How has that changed during your years together?

Our dates are usually dinner or an RV trip together.  We work together at our job and at home.  So playing is usually sitting and reading out loud or watching a movie together.  I think this hasn't changed much over the years.  We just enjoy being together.  

Fred says, “I try to take DeLee out for dinner at least once every week or so.  She is always cooking and I know it’s a nice break for her.  I also really enjoy our RV trips together. It is time that we don’t have any interruptions and get to enjoy each other’s company hiking or reading or doing other fun things 😊.  It is hard to plan a surprise for each other because we literally spend almost 24 / 7 together.”

What do you call your in-laws?

Inlaws - we refer to them by their first names.

How do you KNOW your spouse loves you?  How do you let your spouse know you love them?

DeLee- I know Fred loves me because he "serves" me.  Anything that I lay down because I'm busy or tired (laundry, cleaning, dealing with people), he picks up and runs with it to try to lighten my load.  I try to love him the same way.  Meeting his physical needs (including sex ...can I say that here? ... but definitely less often than he would like).  I do try to prioritize that for him, even though it isn't as important for me. 

Fred says, “I definitely try to show DeLee that I love her by serving her.  If I know she needs something done I will try to do it without being asked.  I know I miss things but I do make a conscious effort.  By nature humans are selfish.  One of the things I like to do to combat that tendency is to give her what I would want. For example, When I make breakfast and there are two plates, I decide which one I want and give that plate to her.  It helps me from thinking about myself to much.  She apologized the other morning for being too tired to meet my “needs”.  I told her it was fine and that if she was always ready for sex she would be “perfect” and then she might be hard to live with. 😊” 

Share a nugget of wisdom you wish you could give to your younger selves.

Stuff is just stuff.  It takes up space and eventually it is gone.  Take care of it but don't stress over it.  Relationships are priceless & should be handled that way.  If your relationship isn't cared for and your stuff is ... you are out of balance.. 

Fred says, “When I was young and stupid, I would not talk things through like we do now.  I would get sulky and clam up.  That is so stupid and unproductive.  If something is bothering you, talk about it. Usually it’s not as big a deal as you make it out to be in your head.”

What do you do on a regular basis for your marriage?

What do we do on a regulat basis?  We are together ALL the time, which may not work for some people, but it does for us.  But that means that when there is a situation, we have to stop and discuss and listen.   I try to be aware of what he needs and then do what needs to be done.  I try to remember what is important to her and do those things. 

Fred says, “It is hard to surprise someone you are with nearly 24/7 but it can be done.  Thanking God for this women he has given me on a regular basis also reminds me how blessed I am to have found her! 😊”

Fred and DeLee … happily ever after is possible!