Life Long Love: Is It Even Possible?
Still in love after decades together… How do these folks do it?
Over here at Face To Face Living, we are passionate about marriage, attachment and connection.
There are so many reasons to get a divorce. Even for no reason at all; which is called “no fault”. With a variety of easy ways to end the pain, are there any sane reasons to press on or “hang in there”?
In her book, “Wired For Love”, Neuroscientist Stephanie Cacioppo asserts that biology is responsible for part of the dip in infatuation. Dr. Jesse educates married couples about this in chapter 3 of his book “Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage”. Around the 22 month marker, your brain becomes immune to it’s own cocaine. The effect can leave you asking “What’s wrong” or “Did I make a mistake?” and some go on a hunt for another high from a new relationship. Meanwhile, the original person that you’ve partnered with has probably given birth and is pretty occupied with caring for a tiny person. Dr. Cacioppo outlines a slump at the two-year mark, the four-year mark and you’ve no doubt heard about the “seven-year itch”. While this is normal, it can seem like biology is playing a dirty trick on us.
But do not despair! You can use biology to help you stay attached to your spouse! Our brains need little signals, and we can help them out by giving them & receiving them from our spouse. Our brains crave this, so use a variety of ways to administer these rewards: dancing, whispering, gazing, smiling, kissing and snuggling, flirting... you get the idea! New experiences together are also shown to help get your brain on the love wavelength it needs.
“A deeper look inside the brain reveals that passionate love and lust, while often seen as opposing or rival forces, may actually work together. They exist on a continuum and understanding how and when they relate to each other can help us become better partners. (page 88 from Cacioppo’s book)
The truth is that infatuation and early lust serve to rapid start the attachment process for us as spouses. After the infatuation stage wears off it takes intentional, faithful, and thoughtful effort to grow and maintain your bond. But the effort is completely worth it.
If you don’t want to take my word for it, I invite you to ask ANY couple that is happily married for 2 or more decades. I don’t mean the ones that are quietly fuming and simply cohabitating. I mean the ones that still date, that hold hands, that smile at each other. The ones that have the type of marriage that you want to have. Ask them “Is it worth it?” and see what they have to say.
As both spouses seek to love and serve one another, the rich fabric that is created becomes a priceless treasure. You no longer merely love your spouse because you are infatuated with them. You no longer love them just because they meet your needs. You grow to love them as a whole person who also loves you despite your flaws and shortcomings. And this type of love is deeply secure. Knowing that I can come to my spouse with all that I am and be embraced by them provides such a feeling of safety. In the same way, when I embrace my spouse with acceptance and an open heart, they are drawn to me. And they return time and time again because I have become their “go-to person” just as they are that safe place for me too. This is the process that securely attached couples have co-created over the course of many years together. From this place of safety, each spouse can also grow and explore and become all that they were created to be. This is called secure attachment in marriage. This is the best platform for emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, and even spiritual fulfillment as a married person. While there are many practical things that you can do to build this bond, we especially encourage spouses to lean into one another, creating moments of vulnerability in the middle of pain. That is the sacred space within which true security grows. We long for couples to cultivate a steady diet of physical affection and sexual intimacy and don’t forget to weave in moments of playfulness and humor throughout. We’re so glad to be on this journey of Life Long Love with you! Stay connected to us and the resources we have to support you at FaceToFaceLiving.com Let us know if there are any particular topics you would like us to write about as you contact us through social media or our email info@facetofaceliving.com
