The Birthday Miracle: Touchpoints in Parenting

I was recently at a birthday party for a preschooler. Everything was joyful and fun-filled. We were having a blast, both the grown-ups and the children. Then it was time for the presents. What cool toys the birthday child received!

But a tense moment ensued. The birthday boy was stockpiling all the toys in his zeal and delight. He really needed to share with another child in the room, but he was not ready to do this.

Then a miracle happened! (Anyone who can get a preschooler to share his new toy with another child has miracle working powers.) The mom of the boy knelt down in front of him, looked into his eyes, spoke to him in a gentle but firm voice, and placed her hand on his shoulder. It took some work, but she persuaded him to share one of his new toys with the other child.

Obviously this mother has a very solid relationship with her child. You could also tell that he respected her authority. But she used the power of Attachment to help him get into a zone where he could hear and connect with what she was saying.

Another approach might have forced him into submission, and still another method may have triggered an outright tantrum. This mom knew intuitively that her youngster still had a keen desire to be pleasing to his mom, along with his growing desire to “do it myself!” She struck the balance in that moment by leaning into the trust they had co-created within their relationship in order to convince him to honor her request.

I write often about Attachment, which is the bonding process God ordained for human relationships. It begins in infancy and runs throughout our lives. We all want to have Secure Attachment in our parenting and in our marriages. Securely attached people know that they will always have someone to turn towards in times of need. They also branch out from their beloved attachment figure in order to explore the world. “I can do it! I can do it myself.”

In simple terms, the Secure Attachment bond is built through three key ingredients, including face to face gazing, tender touch, and emotional responsiveness which consistently tracks with the child’s needs. In the birthday miracle story, the mother engaged in all three of these key ingredients.

She activated the attachment bonding that she had with her son. This is so wise!

Secure parents are nurturing and they also convey authority. Leading attachment researchers have coined a phrase to reflect the strength of a secure parent, “bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind.”1 These parents hold onto the bigger picture, the mature view of any situation. They are strong leaders through their kind approach. As a result their kids trust them. I am reminded of the Apostle Paul’s word to fathers and really both parents:

“do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Ephesians 6:4 (New International Version)

This is so crucial. Kids need to know that their parents are in charge and guiding them. And they need to be able to trust in their parents’ caring towards them, especially during the tough moments.

As a parent you can use the “Touchpoints” of face to face gazing, tender touch, and emotional responsiveness at any moment where your child is stuck.

You may be surprised with the results. When the attachment bond is activated a child has less reactivity and defensiveness. Their nervous system is soothed, allowing for greater flexibility and a shift in perspective taking. Your guidance will be better received.

When my own children were toddlers, my wife often reminded me to lower my posture and make eye contact while speaking to them. This was so much more effective than my rattling off directives as I moved about the room. How can you implement this “Touchpoint” in your parenting today?

You can learn more about Attachment Theory in general and also purchase a book which applies these principles to marriage. The book is entitled, “Face to Face: Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage.”

1. Powell, B., Cooper, G., Hoffman, K., & Marvin, B. (2014). The Circle of Security intervention: Enhancing Attachment in Early Parent-Child Relationships.The Guilford Press, New York.