Reunited and it Feels so Good!

Last weekend my wife took a trip to see her brother down South. I missed her and was so looking forward to seeing her. I had a nice picture in my mind for our reunion when I would pick her up at the airport. Sadly, there was a glitch with my cell phone at the airport, which made things more hectic and less romantic than I had pictured.

We quickly worked it out and picked up right where we had left off. A couple days later we took a three mile walk together in a beautiful wooded setting. It gave us a chance to talk about all the important ways that we as a couple establish rhythm and synchrony in our daily lives together.

Times of separation and reunion in a marriage bring all of this into clear view. It is so important in these moments to send clear signals to our loved ones that we are thinking of them while apart, and we are glad to be reunited with them again.

I have worked with so many couples who demonstrate their disconnection or feel their pain acutely when they come home to one another at the end of the day. Emptiness and loneliness color those moments for them. What we all want is to have a warm greeting and embrace that signals to us just how special we are. We are essential in the heart and mind of our beloved.

At times of separation and reunion, it is important to establish regular routines and rituals for how you resume your face-to-face connection with your spouse. It’s important to be consistent with these at the daily level, and to add extra attention in and surrounding times of extended separation from one another.

Early research on human attachment showed us the significance of separation moments. One experiment separated preschool children from their mothers, leaving them for 5 minutes in the care of a female graduate student. The children’s attachment bond and attachment style were evident during their moments of separation and reunion with their mothers.

Securely attached children were upset when Mom left the play room, but they had the settled confidence that she would return. When she returned, these children greeted her with joy, and then resumed playing. Secure children were also able to create their own “small scale” separation moments. When Mom was in the playroom, they were able to branch off from her to play and explore the toys in the far corners of the room, always knowing that they could return to her.

Secure attachment allows you to branch off from your spouse and venture into the world, knowing that while you’re gone, your spouse will still carry you in his or her heart. You are confident when you return; your spouse will be there for you. You know that you can go to your spouse at any point when you are distressed, and your spouse will be present to listen to you, console you, and support you.

When you come home at the end of your day, make a beeline for your spouse. Show affection and tell him or her how glad you are to be home together. “Reunited and it feels so good!”