Everything I Need to Know About Attachment, I learned from a Kindergarten Teacher.

Connie was a gem of a woman with her blue eyes gleaming from a face gently framed by salt and pepper gray hair. She had officially retired from education several years ago, but she kept a small role at the school where she had served for four decades. Connie still coordinated the elementary school assemblies, and my wife April was in the line-up to be a speaker for the next assembly.

On the morning of the assembly, April was struck by the friendly and engaging approach that Connie took with every child that walked out of auditorium. Connie had a distinct advantage in those encounters, for she had taught many of the children in her kindergarten classes. She was slight of stature, so she was right on eye level with most of the children walking out of the assembly.

Connie went right up to the children and looked them in the eye. She called them by name, offering a warm hug or “fist bump” as a form of touch. Also, she gave them a blessing of encouragement as she genuinely told each child that she hoped they would have a good day.

April needed to wrap up a couple more details after the morning assembly so she stayed behind and spoke with Connie. April asked her about the careful and intentional approach that Connie was taking with the children. Connie’s kindness also blended with sadness as she spoke with April that day.

“You know, April. I hug each one of those children because I care about them. I want them to know that someone is in their corner at this school. But I also catch their gaze because I am so burdened for them. In 43 years I have never seen anything like this. These children seldom make eye contact. It’s like they are in a fog. They don’t know how to connect, and they seem so restless and irritable.

I honestly think it’s because of all the screen time they have. They literally don’t know how to do social skills the way children did in the past.

So, Yes. I hug them, because I care about them. But it’s also one thing that I can do in my limited time still at this school, to try to make a difference in their lives and social skills. I feel very strongly about this.”

Is Connie truly retired from educating? Maybe she sees something that others are missing.

Connie has been picking up on something that child psychologists and neuroscientists are increasingly alarmed about. Heavy screen usage in children is taking away their opportunity to develop social skills through the hundreds of little social cues that kids work through each week in a home and neighborhood setting.

It’s not only the loss of opportunity, but it’s also the fact that screens artificially engage the dopamine circuits of the brain on a continual basis. (Think rewards and excitement here.)

Therefore, when children pull away from screens they feel a distinct sense of irritability with the normal pacing of life in the real world.

The problem is not merely relegated to a half-hour chemical withdrawal from dopamine after the children step away from the screens. It’s much more impactful because their young brains are still deep in the development phase.

“Neurons that fire together, wire together!”

— Dr. Donald Hebb

What this means for child development is that the pathways of the mind forge on the basis of which circuits are most regularly activated. Children who read books, play with clay, and listen to classical music will solidify circuits for thoughtful, creative, and in-depth processing. Conversely, children who spend time on screens will lay down and reinforce circuits for reactive, quickly changing, and shallow processing of information. It’s as simple as that.

By the time adolescence hits, the damage from spending excessive time on screens is palpable. Research shows a correlation between amount of time spent on screens and less efficient cognitive control, along with diminished executive skills functioning. Teens who have spent heavy amounts of time with screens show a strong tendency to seek short-term gratifications.1

But there is hope! There are things that you can do for children at any age to help them lay down pathways for depth of processing and greater social capabilities.

While some children may gravitate initially towards reading, classical music, or creative arts, all children can be encouraged to spend more time in these deeper processing and “hands on” activities. Even a preschooler can play in a sandbox or work with building blocks before they have reading skills.

It’s up to parents to place brain healthy activities in front of your children. Don’t expect for children to choose brain healthy activities when given the alternative choice of looking at a screen. The level of dopamine released by screens, with their instant gratification, is irresistible to children whereas the more gradual payoff for reading, coloring, or playing an instrument takes effort. Children will struggle to choose the more effortful path, particularly when faced with the enormous dopaminergic contrast provided by smartphones, social media, and video games.

This is why child psychologists and neuroscientists strongly encourage structure and limit setting on such activities or devices. Take liberal amounts of time off from screens and replace them with a healthy diet of hands-on, creative, and attachment oriented social behaviors.

Hands-On and Creative Tasks:

Neuroscientists recommend activities that children can participate in with their hands because these afford more opportunities for whole brain and body engagement. This is contrasted with the sedentary nature of most screen activities. Hands-on activities such as sports, climbing, walking, flying a kite, or fishing allow children to connect with the outdoors which is healthy for brain development. Playing with legos, playdough, a toy kitchen set, and puzzles allow children to develop focus individually and a shared focus with others. All of these strengthen frontal lobe development, build healthy self-assurance, and task persistence.

Creative tasks take your child to a whole new level! Coloring, painting, singing, or dancing will help children step beyond the boundaries of now into the freedom of what is possible. Each creative movement allows them to take a healthy risk in expressing a part of themselves while you look on with delight and wonder. This is so affirming and joyful all at the same time. If you have a slightly more left-brained child creativity can still be expressed through baking, knitting, or structured crafts. The possibilities are endless for your child to stretch and grow, while you support the joyful journey.

Hands-on and creative tasks will be fun and relaxing when your child sets the pace for the activities. Although they are taking risks with each of these, they will feel enjoyment individually and with your support because they are controlling the degree of challenge in a way that promotes mastery and well-rounded self-confidence. This is very different from gaming and social media which increase anxiety and agitation through adrenal secretions and a constant sense of being socially critiqued.

Remember, that while children are young, their most important source for approval is you! Even teens still need their parents support and favor. Your time, smile, and investment in your children will provide them with encouragement and deeply felt comfort.

Parent and Child Attachment:

We are passionate about promoting healthy Attachment between parents and children. Secure Attachment is the best kind of bond between parents and children. It provides children with a safe place to turn when they are upset, and it launches them with confidence because they know that they have someone cheering them forward in all their steps of growth.

We have developed 3 key ingredients for building Secure Attachment, which we call the “Face to Face T.V.” It’s the viewing “channel” that we want you to spend lots of time in every day of your child’s life:

Face to Face — gaze with interest and care into the face of your child or children. We only gaze tenderly upon those who are precious to us. This is the seat of self-esteem.

Touch — provide them with tender or playful touch which regulates their nervous system and provides them with a sense of belonging.

Vulnerable — be emotionally present to your child or children. Make a space for them to know and share their feelings, which are signals about what they need. You can’t give them everything they ask for, but you can value their felt needs as important to you. Life is better when they share feelings directly instead of anxiously or indirectly.

Our heroine for this story today, Connie, did a little of all 3 “Face to Face T.V.” ingredients with each child that she encountered at the end of the school assembly. Connie is making a difference in these simple ways.

We want you also to be equipped to build Attachment and a healthy mind for your child. So we have carefully curated 9 Parent-Child bonding activities that incorporate “hands-on”, creative, and attachment bonding aspects that we have spoken of in this article. We know that it is going to enrich your child or children and grow your relationship with them. Please explore the booklet we have for you in our Shop at facetofaceliving.com.

References:

1. Marciano L, Camerini AL, Morese R. (2021). The Developing Brain in the Digital Era: A Scoping Review of Structural and Functional Correlates of Screen Time in Adolescence. Frontiers of Psychology Aug 27;12:671817. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.671817. PMID: 34512437; PMCID: PMC8432290.