Life Long Love: Meet the Blackbirds

Tegan and Karen Blackbird on their wedding day!

Meet Tegan and Karen Blackbird, our featured couple this month. They are committed to each other, and I’ll bet you can learn something from their decade’s long relationship. Read on to find out!

We love so many things about Tegan & Karen’s story.

We appreciate the fun that they share and their commitment to kindness towards one another. They have intentionally set a couple boundaries, to be kind even in conflict. They have also set a boundary that they would not even consider divorce. This flows with their intentional pursuit of picking a spouse who would be fair and mature, right from the outset.

They have shared in ministry together for decades, and we love this aspect of “serving together” as a means of focusing love towards others, not becoming stagnant, and allowing God’s love to grow between them in the process.

One other aspect they describe is that they “value one another’s different interests and encourage one another to pursue those interests”. This directly aligns with a key component of Secure Attachment which is called “Secure Base”. This means that I am secure enough in our bond to allow you to explore the world and come back to me to share of your adventures. I am not threatened by this, and I benefit from sharing these experiences in your telling of them.

This is probably one of the things that happens when they make sure to talk to each other each and every day. That is another tip that Dr. Jesse gives to couples, “try to talk to one another ‘Face to Face’ each and every day!”

How many years have you been married and how old were you when you got married?

We were each 27 when we got married and have been married 37 years.

Where & how did the two of you meet?

We met at church…the first evening service he attended. We got to know each other in the young adult group at church.

What first attracted you to one another?

I (Karen) noticed his sense of humor and friendliness. I also loved what he did for a living (therapist for kids and teens), especially since I was volunteering with our church youth group.

I (Tegan) admired that Karen was in her 20s and working with the youth group, not desperate to be in a relationship.

We all have ideas about how marriage is supposed to be when we say our wedding vows.  What was one of the first challenges you encountered that challenged your ideas of what marriage was supposed to be?

Karen: I was challenged when we were putting together our wedding registry: we didn’t always like the same things and I had to be willing to compromise. I thought I would get to decide everything “home-related”! Sounds silly now, but that was eye-opening and hard for me.

Tegan: One difficulty I had/have are that our interests are so very different. Karen is still very supportive of doing those things, however.

What has helped you stay together?  What's your secret?

Karen: I couldn’t imagine being married to anyone else! I “chose well” so I haven’t had regrets b/c of our common faith and Tegan’s depth of character. Although it never was a thought for me, I do think that knowing divorce isn’t an option often changes how one views marriage. 

Tegan: A consistent pattern and commitment to being kind and respecting our differences; never being purposely mean to each other, no matter how frustrated we may get…which creates a sense of safety and trust. We knew what we wanted before marriage and we chose with those guidelines in mind. Even though our interests are quite different, we have allowed each other to pursue those interests in addition to the things we do together. 

Also, we try to let little things go, but know when something is big enough to talk about, and doing that without being hurtful.

Do you pray together?  Or have other faith activities?

We are currently in ministry together with 6th-graders at our church. Early in our marriage, we were on worship team together and spent a lot of time in Bible study groups.

Do you date?  How do you play together?  How has that changed during your years together?

Karen: We play a lot of Settler of Cataan! We have always loved board games, so the games have changed over the years, but the enjoyment of them hasn’t.

Tegan: We play a lot of games and have fun together and commit to spending time together, as well as spending time apart..

What do you call your in-laws?

Karen: Tegan was already calling his parents by their first names, so that was easy for me! Tegan called my parents Mom and Dad and then switched to Grammy and Pappy after we had kids.

How do you KNOW your spouse loves you?  How do you let your spouse know you love them?

Karen: I know because I see his commitment to me even when I’m being aloof or grumpy. He tries to help me if I’m stuck doing something and prioritizes spending time with me, even if he has a busy day. I try to “do things” for him and anticipate what he might need before he tells me.

Tegan: The way we treat each other (compassion and empathy) shows our love for each other. Handling disagreements in a kind way cements the relationship. 

What do you do on a regular basis for your marriage?

Probably not enough, but playing fun games together and spending time with our kids and grandkids. Also, we talk every day.